Liz’s World

Here is another example GED essay from a GED student. This is a good essay to read, because it really tells the person’s story. You get to know what really happened. That’s called a “narrative essay,” because it’s telling a story, and I think that’s the easiest kind of essay to write a lot of the time.

Despite great sales, flurry of activity, without notice we were told our jobs had come to an end. Due to a sell out and our company losing a client. Project managers were unsuccessful in booking a new client.

One project manager, angry over the loss of the account began to try to save valued employees by making a small budget to keep us employed within the firm. Knowing that the budget was small I reiterated that this would be ongoing employment with possibility of advancement. I was assured it was.

Going against my better judgment I stayed with the company, and when the budget ran out so did my job for the second time. I was lucky to have had such a great position in marketing with no degree for five years.

Now was the time to make priorities, now I had to find a job and knowing my luck ran out, it was also time to look into getting a degree. I used my motivational skills and techniques to ensure that I would land a position within another great company.

Finally a new position opened up for me in Food and Beverage. My work week consists of sixty hours. Sometimes I work till 3:00 am. I allow two hours for my drive into work, normally that will allow me one hour of study time. I am using my study time to work on getting my GED and then going for my associates degree in marketing.

I know this is a big compromise and it surely does take a lot of my energy, however, my big picture keeps looking better and better. I am starting to feel like a true leader.

First let me say, I think this essay is pretty good. As a GED essay, it’s better than passing, maybe a 3. Telling a story is a good choice for the GED…and we always have stories about our lives. And this is an interesting story…the kind of thing that you might tell a new friend. Here’s what the GED reader will look at:

1. Did I answer the GED question and stay on topic?

This is a hard question to answer about this essay. The topic is “compromise.” The GED will give you a prompt that’s longer, and you’ll need to definitely address the topic. So, what does this essay say about compromise? It starts out with a story… and it builds up to the point of the story at the end, the compromise that you’re making by taking this job. I think I’d like to see it more clearly say why it’s a compromise…what was the choice? What’s being given up? What’s being gained? Like, to say: “I could have more time by taking a worse job, closer to me, or by giving up my studying. But I’ve decided to compromise my time by myself and with my family, for the sake of our future. Compromise is about giving up something to gain something else, and in the long term, my education is worth the sacrifice.” Of course, that’s my words, and you’ll have your own… but I feel like I want the essay to really sum up something about the idea of compromise.

2. Is my writing organized?

Yes! The essay tells a story, and then it ends by giving the point of the story. And it starts with something interesting. “Despite great sales, flurry of activity, without notice we were told our jobs had come to an end.” Wow. What a great start. It catches my interest right away!

Now, a traditional essay tells the reader in the first paragraph what the essay is about. I wouldn’t give up your great start to do that, but you might consider saying something about where you’re going near the beginning. Like, if you said at the end of the first paragraph: “This tragedy has lead me to make some tough choices and taught me a lot about compromise.” That way, the reader knows right away that you’re really talking about compromise.

3. Did I give enough good details?

This essay is excellent on details. Again, the opening sentence is fantastic. By telling a story, you’ve got a lot of details that you can give…things you know, because they happened. The only place I wondered about it was when you talked about motivational techniques. What motivational techniques did you use? But, then again, I realize that’s not the main idea of the essay, and it doesn’t need to be longer.

4. Are there language mistakes, like spelling and grammar?

You did good in this area, too. There are some mistakes, but they don’t make the essay difficult to read. That’s what the GED readers will use…whether it makes the essay difficult to read. Here’s what I saw:

• I would probably say “a flurry of activity” instead of “flurry of activity.”
• “Due to a sell out and our company losing a client.” is a fragment. Really, it should be part of the sentence before it.
• On a really minor note, I would add commas after phrases at the beginning of sentences like: “Going against my better judgment,” and “Knowing that the budget was small.” By the way, these are really good ways to start sentences to keep a variety of sentence structures.
• “Now was the time to make priorities, now I had to find a job and knowing my luck ran out, it was also time to look into getting a degree.” is a run-on. Probably, there should be a period after “priorities,” and a new sentence starting with “Now” Also, “my luck ran out” sounds a little wrong. I think saying “my luck had run out” is clearer (because the luck “had run” out BEFORE it “was” time… saying “ran out” seems to say it ran out at the time you’re talking about, not before).
• “I allow two hours for my drive into work, normally that will allow me one hour of study time.” is also a run-on… there’s two sentences here, so the comma should either 1) be a period, 2) be a semicolon, or 3) have “and” after it.

Overall, these aren’t very big issues. You might want to investigate run-ons and fragments:

http://depts.dyc.edu/learningcenter/owl/sentences.htm

http://www.unc.edu/depts/wcweb/handouts/fragments.html

5. Did I choose the best words to say what I mean?

This area is also good. Words like “flurry” are really expressive, and you used the word “reiterated,” which is much better than something like, “said again.” Also, the word “assured” really means exactly what you’re trying to say.

You also use words for good effect, like saying “when the budget ran out, so did my job.” When you say “Now was the time… now I had to find a job…” the repetition of the word “now” works really well to emphasize what you’re saying.

Overall, good job! And a really inspiring story. Keep going, even though it’s hard, and get on to better things!

To find out more about the GED test and GED test preparation, visit The GED Academy at passGED.com.