Liz’s World

Hi everyone! I got another practice essay from Yolanda, who is studying for her GED. I’m glad you’re practicing! The essay is based on the prompt: “Describe the person who has influenced your life greatly, or maybe even changed it somehow.” Here’s Yolanda’s practice essay:

There is one person that has impacted my life greatly and whom I respect and love dearly, my best friend Heather. We became friends at the age of sixteen and have been close friends ever since. There have been many ups and down in both of our lives. But we have always been there for one another. We can always count on the other one being there even if its just because we need to have a good laugh. To have someone who knows you for you, and respects you for who you really are can make for a great friendship.

Heather and I meet while working at McDonalds. Right away something clicked. Our friendship started as just casual talking while we were working. Soon after we became very close and almost inseparable. Together there was nothing that the two of us couldn’t do. Heather’s family became my family. We truly were the sister that neither of us really had.

Along the way of our relationship there have been many ladders to climb, but there was and always will be the certainty that we will have the other by our side to help us through. Even in the darkest of times in our lives, we some how find something to laugh about. Laughter is what gets us through.

Heather is truly my rock, my best friend, and my sister. As we are getting older, and building our own families we don’t get to talk or visit one another as much as we would like. But because we are so close we know that were there for one another and always will be. We know the others thoughts, happiness. and pain. How could you not gravitate to someone who know to be a great person and friend.

To have a friendship as close as Heathers and mine, is one of the closest bonds you can have with another person. She knows me for me, and I know her for her. This truly is a powerful thing. Together there is nothing we cant face and overcome.

Yolanda, I think you did a good job with this essay. Let me go over the things that a GED reader looks for when they read the essay.

1. Did I answer the GED question and stay on topic?

Yes! This is a very important part of the grading, and you’ve done a good job. The only thing I might say is that you talked a lot about your friendship, but how well did you describe Heather? Why do you get along so well? Is she funny? Smart? What kinds of things do you have in common?

2. Is my writing organized?

Yes! I’d say organization is one of the best parts of your essay. You start off right away with the answer to the question. In the middle,  you tell the story of your friendship. You begin at the beginning: where you met. Then, you go forward to where you are today: both starting families, but still close friends though you don’t see each other as often. Then, you have a nice conclusion. I like the organization!

3. Did I give enough good details?

This is what I’d like to see more of in your essay. You have some good details, like the fact that you met at McDonald’s. But it seems like some are missing. Like you say “we had many ladders to climb,” but then you don’t say what? One good example of a hard time that she helped you through is worth a LOT in an essay like this. So, I’d say you did medium on this area.

4. Are there language mistakes, like spelling and grammar?

Mostly, you did really well with this part. Grammar, spelling, and all that are the most difficult parts sometimes. There are only a few small errors, so you probably wouldn’t be graded down much for them. Here are what I noticed:

•  ”…if its just because…” in the first paragraph should be “…if it’s just because…” (you mean ‘it is,’ which has an apostrophe.)
• Also in the first paragraph, I’d either take out the comma before “and” in the last sentence (you don’t need one if “and” is joining only two things that aren’t whole sentences), or add a comma after “are” (putting commas on both sides would make “and respects you for who you really are” a kind of extra information or extra thing you want to say).
• In the beginning of the second paragraph, you mean “met” (in the past) instead of “meet” (in the present.)
• At the end of the second paragraph, I think you should say “sisters” (you were sisters to each other).
• In the fourth paragraph, you don’t need the comma before “and building our own families…” This is the same as the other comma in the first paragraph, so maybe it’s something to watch out for.
• Oops! You’ve got a period instead of a comma after “happiness” in the fourth paragraph.
• The last sentence in the fourth paragraph is a question, and it should have a question mark.
• The word “others” is missing an apostrophe: “other’s”
• In the last paragraph “Heathers” should be “Heather’s” (possessive)
• You also don’t need the comma after “mine”
• “cant” is missing the apostrophe: “can’t”

I know that sounds like a lot but REALLY it’s minor. These aren’t big deals that will annoy people while they’re reading or make it tough to understand. Don’t stress over it! The things you might want to brush up on are when to use commas and when to use apostrophes.

5. Did I choose the best words to say what I mean?

Here’s another area that you did good in! I like the word “gravitate” to talk about how you’re drawn to each other. Great choice! Part of what I like is that you use rhythm in your writing.  You say, “She knows me for me, and I know her for her.” That’s great. It’s got a rhythm…the language sounds good. That’s the point. The words are simple, but they’re really good words!

Normally, I would say avoid saying things like “she is my rock,” because they’re cliches (common phrases people use.) But I like it in your essay. I like the way it works in the sentence: “Heather is truly my rock, my best friend, and my sister.” It’s because you add more to it, and you’ve got that nice rhythm that I like. Good job!

The only comment I might make is to avoid saying “There is” at the beginning of a sentence. Usually, “there is” or “there are” doesn’t add a lot to the writing. You could just say “The one person that has impacted my life greatly and whom I respect and love dearly is my best friend Heather.” “There is” seem just like extra words, you know?

Over all, really good job. The main thing that you might want to do is try to add more specific details. Thanks for coming to my blog! And let me know when you pass your GED!

To find out more about the GED test and GED test preparation, visit The GED Academy at passGED.com.